Reveal - Old Cat Lady

James Franco

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James-Franco-ImageThere’s a reason why Dave Franco isn’t on any kind of social media: it’s because of his older brother James’ antics. James Franco is known to speak in third person, for being narcissistic, and for selling his art online for tens of thousands of dollars. He also shares a weird friendship with Seth Rogen. For Christmas 2014, they posed nude with Santa and proclaimed that it was their Christmas card.

And then there was James Franco’s Instagram scandal. I still haven’t forgiven him for that because he has yet to reply to any of my direct messages. I am hurt, James Edward Franco.

Why His Weirdness Shouldn’t Matter: James Franco is a great actor. Peculiar, yes. But some of the most creative geniuses of history have a bit of insanity and quirkiness in their veins. Maybe James is just emulating them.

Billy Ray Cyrus & Tish Cyrus

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Billy-Ray-Cyrus-Tish-Cyrus-ImageChildren: Brandi, Trace, Miley Ray, Christopher Cody, and Noah Lindsey

I know that people make fun of Billy Ray’s mullet from his Achy Breaky Heart days, but I gotta admit that he’s not a bad looking guy. He’s actually quite handsome and his wife, Tish is an okay-looking woman. However, their kids—wow.

Tish, your genes dominate, girl! All your kids look like you in some way, and we all know that Miley used to be the most attractive until she started taking fashion and career advice from jungle birds. Should we even mention your son, Trace? I have no qualms about tattoos, but I do have issues with how he carries them. Is he aware that the Internet compares him to a horse? I know, it’s mean, but tell your kids to make better life choices.

Jodie Foster

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Jodie-Foster-ImageJodie Foster started acting at a young age— a sign that she was a bright child. Jodie was actually a lot more than bright— she was a genius. Jodie taught herself how to read before she was three years old. She juggled her career as a child actress while attending Lycée Français de Los Angeles, a French prep school, where she was the valedictorian.

To get away from the business, Jodie pursued a bachelor’s degree in literature and French at Yale. Jodie was about to graduate when she decided to file a leave of absence after Ronald Reagan’s shooter, John Hinckley Jr., expressed his fascination towards her, giving her some unwanted publicity.

Well, now we know that Jodie has a wonderful back-up career that involves something French, if she decides to leave Hollywood and take her talents elsewhere.

Ariana Grande

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Ariana-Grande-ImageAriana Grande is basically the female version of Justin Bieber. The cats dislike her because they think she’s a rip-off of Mariah Carey, the true Queen.

Aside from walking out of photo-shoots if they don’t photograph her from her left side, Ariana also charges an obscene amount of money for meet and greets and only takes group photos instead of one-on-one shots. The kicker? Ariana took photos and signed some autographs while she was in New York and then proceeded to say “I hope they all f***ing die” (about her fans) when she was whisked away.

Oh, Ariana— that’s not how you turn into a diva. A true diva doesn’t give a damn and doesn’t say anything. Try taking a few notes from Mariah.

Avril Lavigne

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Avril-Lavigne-ImageFamous For: Being the most angsty teenager in pop music when she started out. Now known as a weird woman/child hybrid because of her actions.

Last year, there were numerous photos that surfaced from one of Ms. Lavigne’s tours in Brazil. They were the epitome of awkward and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the poor souls that took photos with her. The fans paid around $400 for a meet and greet session, but her security team gave them strict instructions that they couldn’t touch her. The result? Well…

Avril’s eyes looked dead, like she wanted to be somewhere else. And her hair? What’s up with it? It makes her look like a weird opossum standing on its hind legs. It’s ridiculous to pay $400 and not be able to shake hands or hug a celebrity. For $400, I’d expect to have my own room inside a celebrity’s house for a month!

Conan O’Brien (Elizabeth Ann Powel)

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Conan-O-Brien-Elizabeth-Ann-Powel-ImageElizabeth was a senior copywriter for Foote, Cone & Belding when she visited the set of “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” to overlook an advertisement skit for the company. The moment Conan saw her sitting alongside the audience, he knew that she was “the one” and didn’t waste time in asking her out. Heck, I might even check NBC’s archives just to see if his reaction upon seeing her in the crowd was caught on camera.

Eighteen months after Conan saw Elizabeth’s face in the audience, he married her in Seattle in 2002. They have two kids together, Neve and Beckett.

Well then, she sure is lucky. I’ve been in the audience of so many shows and I’m still waiting for someone to swoop me off my feet. At this rate, my cats would get married before I do.

Lisa Rinna

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Lisa-Rinna-ImageFamous For: Starring on “Days of Our Lives” and “Melrose Place”. Lisa was also on “Dancing With the Stars”, and is one of the main housewives on “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”.

Are her toenails… dead? They look so thick and yellow, and appear to be crumbling. Lisa has the time and money to get plastic surgery, but can’t get her toenails fixed? Girl, find a nail technician asap and resurrect your dead nails!

Instead Of Her Feet, We Should Focus On: That she’s on “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”. I’m not caught up on the show yet, but I had my cats DVR all of the episodes. My reality show cat, Sunny, tells me that Lisa’s pulled off some extravagant things like a jewelry party. I should get in on that soon!

Taylor Swift

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Taylor-Swift-ImageTaylor Swift is an old cat lady stuck in the body of a 25-year old. She’s practically me, just a few decades younger and has a much fatter bank account to her name.

Some buttholes from a forum decided to pull a prank by booking Taylor for a performance at a school for hearing-impaired children. Instead of being annoyed and bitter about it, Taylor donated $10,000 to the school and provided the students with tickets to her show. More recently, Taylor decided to donate $50,000 for New York public schools.

Sweetie, you just made the world a better place because I may just be able to stop complaining about this country’s public school system because of your donation.

Taylor Swift & All Of The Men She’s Dated

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Taylor Swift Exes

Taylor’s a pretty girl with great talent and a kind heart. But haven’t you guys noticed how awkward things look whenever she gets photographed with guys? Taylor looks so nervous and excited, it’s like she’s still in high school.

I’ve read about how some people think that Taylor has become desperate, etc. Give the girl a break, okay? She’s a romantic; so expect her to fall in love frequently. Taylor has dated Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, Cory Monteith, Jake Gyllenhaal, Eddie Redmayne, Zac Efron, Conor Kennedy, Harry Styles, and the list goes on.

It’s widely believed that some of Taylor’s relationships are PR stunts. What kind of sick and cruel PR person lets their client suffer through a broken heart just for fame and album sales? Or maybe Taylor is purposely sabotaging her relationships so she can have things to write about? Sweetie, you may need to find better things to write about other than your love life—you can do it!

Drake (@champagnepapi)

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Drake-(@champagnepapi)Despite his status as a rapper, I think this boy is very, very lovely. Drake always takes his mom as his date for awards shows, which makes him a good boy. His account shows photos of what his life is like, and let me tell you this—the boy has a lot of love in him. Drake takes pride in his work, his crew, and his dreams. Now, not a lot of men are like that. It’s always about the girls that they’ve slept with or how much money they’re making. It’s quite refreshing and a bit exciting to see someone as sweet as Aubrey Drake, no?

I think he’d get along well with my cats. They like sensitive people like Drake. Do you think he’d say yes if I asked him if I could adopt him?